Leaving on a jet plane…again.

(i didn't proof this at all sorry, in a rush! Gotta Pack!)

So tomorrow I leave for home sweet home. My husband takes his exam (see last post) and I get to see all the family. Call it odd but I have a very close relationship with both my mother and mother-in-law. For better or worse we love one another. I will also be seeing my sister. She is my other half. And I will be flying home with my best friend, B which will be lovely. Did I mention I will be meeting my niece? She is a doll and 1 week old tomorrow. I can’t wait to breathe her new baby smell and love on her.

I have never been excited to travel. My fear of plane rides however has left, I think it is prayer. Call me what you like but since I became a mother, I have had to drug myself to fly on planes, shaking and hyperventilating all the way to each destination. I guess I am at peace with leaving when I am taken now and very excited about each adventure. My husband, children and I will all be flying for 3 hours in 2 seats. Oi.

I didn’t realize I’d be coming home so fast however, this is a bit hard. I know it sounds very high-school but I’m not done finding myself out here. When I lived back home I spent every waking hour with someone else, or in the car. I was left alone maybe a brief 20 minutes in bed each night (If you don’t count the nursing baby on my chest.)

Since coming out to NJ I have learned so much about myself. Spiritually I am better fed, and I am finding time to do those things I never found the time to do. (Again see last post) I am finding that having no one around to change my opinions is a nice thing because I stick with my decisions and don’t 2^nd guess myself. I am doing what I love. I am lonely at times, and I have no idea what I am going to do when everything is finished, but for now I really love being where I am at. To give up 2 weeks to go home is /gulp a big step... I miss my mother and sister and B so much I feel as though my body is missing a limb, but at the same time I am not finished out here. I want to stay here so badly some days that it is hard to have that faith to be happy only in the Lord and where he takes us. (Not to mention I didn't expect to see these folks until I dropped at least 1 size to a 6 :)

It is hard loving 2 places and being 1 person, but things could be worse then being happy in too many places.

Yesterday I found out my oldest cousin (he is 40) has liver cancer. He is getting his affairs in order and is not seeking treatment. He had liver cancer 3 years ago and the chemo hurt so badly he “rather die” he said. He has 2 daughters and 2 sons.

His father just past away suddenly this past winter. He is one of 3 children remaining. His brother has such trouble with obesity that the doctors only think his brother may have another 12-18 months to live. My aunt will bury both her sons and her husband before her own parents pass away. Sometimes I feel like an ass for thinking I have problems.

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:20/NIV

Keep on keep'n on.

My Best Friend just started blogger, I am very happy. She lives where I use to, and it is nice to have yet another way to stay in touch! *high five

Todays topic is, "why is Gwen stressed?"

So my husband is about to take a HUGE-ass test. I mean big. This is like the bar exam for the ministry.
He will be orally examined by 7 ministers, about anything he has learned in the last 3 years. (He just received his Masters in a 3 year program) this will take 2-3 days and be done in front of the open public, so anyone who is nosey, interested, in the area, or related to us. can come!
no stress eh? Heck! You can come too!

AND
No biggie if he doesn't pass the exam, he can re-take it in 6-9 month (meanwhile not being able to find permanent work in his field) Oh and it is said that not passing is the scarlet letter for a minister.

Did I mention we have to fly to the IN (we live in Jersey) to do this test? With two lap babies? And stay with family since we moved out of our house out there?

Right.

How do I handle this?

Doing the normal house work and meals? Well yes. AND
I am being NICE as I can be to Calvin. (Which some of you know is fighting the nature of a nursing mother with 2 children in the midst of stress)

I am also distracting myself with projects!
Yeah for projects!

Project #1
Doula Stuff

I have downloaded all the Doula information and Calvin is 100% willing to support me in doing this, so I am very excited. Now if I can read the 10 pages I have printed out tonight then tomorrow I can go book shopping! (reality check: it took me 11 days to finish one chapter in my newest David Sedaris book) I am very excited. This is one of those things I'm doing for me and my interest and it's a good feeling to be selfish doing something for another person, i can't wait to help out some mommas! I can't wait to take part in my first birth. I wonder if I'll have the instincts to jump right in or if I will become scared, faint, worried, or terrified. I know when the actual crowning happens I will cry (I cried in the movie knocked up, I know I'll be moved for sure) I just can't wait to be a part of it!

I'm not telling anyone but you fellow bloggers about the doula thing.

Project #2
Work Out

I have been speed walking 2-3 miles a day (5 days a week actually), and just started doing Pilates every other day for 30 minutes. My abs are killing me, My butt still jiggles when I walk, but I am feeling stronger, like I have gained a bit more endurance, my muscles don’t twitch anymore when I finish, they burn. I’m loving it, but I am really big into quick results and that isn't happening.

Project #3
Baby book

I am 3 months behind.

Project #4
I'm making a cook book

Suggest a theme if you can, it is all my favorites bound together, I am typing them when my internet goes down, so quite often. I am looking for photos to go along with them.

Project #5
Blogger

‘nuff said

Peace out,

Gwen

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”- Ephesians 6:4

to doula or not to doula...

http://www.dona.org/
this website is taking up my time.

I have decided that it is my honest desire to become a doula. I have been considering this for 20 months and think it is a real thing I want to do, I debated and decided that this is not just an interest due to the phase of life I am in (reminder I have an 18 Month old and 3 Month old)

See, I know myself and my personality. I know that I usually jump in to things that are just a phase so fast that I'm out of said phase w/ T-shirt to prove it in as little as three days. I'd blame my parents but honestly it is my inner personality to want to try a little of everything and never be satisfied. Shame on me, I know I know…
(flash back)
I've always been easily swayed because I am a people pleaser; I tend to do what I see others approving of. When I was in 2nd grade I saw an 8th grade girl in a form fitted, long black dress playing classical music on stage at a local fund raiser, the lights shining on her and the crowd applauding her. She was so beautiful up there, and she made it look so natural. So like any right minded 8 year old I begged. I begged my mother for Piano lessons, and after two weeks of empty promises my mother caved and agreed. She knew I wouldn’t last but I was sure to prove her wrong.

I lay in bed that night with visions of me being the next guy from Shine, but only happier, and with the grown up black dress, I could see the folds in the skirt, how it floated against the stage and how my collarbone would graze the neck line. I could see the ladies at next years fund raiser saying "we never knew Gwen was a child prodigy." And “Oh, if her mother only would have started her earlier with those lessons…”

I went to school that day and stood in line for kick ball telling a boy who also played the piano that i was going to my "lessons" after school. I said it in a bored voice although my insides were jumping. He didn’t look impressed enough. I asked him how it felt to play and he looked at me like I was from Pluto. I decided then that I would have a crush on him because he understood my love for music.

I came home ready to play; I had done finger exercises through math and was ready to hear praises from my music teacher. When I walked into my home however there was an Organ where my baby black baby grand was suppose to sit. I was devastated. See, Organs drum up visions of blue haired grandmas playing Rock of Ages in stuffy churches, did my mother not know who I was? What I was meant to become? Music couldn’t come out of that box with two keyboards. I was so embarrassed to even be in the room looking at it. Tears burned my eyes but I didn’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings, so I sat on the bench feeling stupid and hating the organ before me. I wanted to quit immediately, and after 4 months of lessons I did just that.

I have countless stories where if I had the gumption to do anything 100% I would be a very skilled 23 year old. That is the problem with life experience; if you want it all you can’t have it fully. I could get all shrink-talk and say I quit so I won’t fail, but honestly I had a short attention span.

I have wanted the same tattoo for 6 years but my fear from my “life experience” says wait another year to make sure.

Anyways I have been noticing that when I share my birth stories they are different then my friends stories, when people have a baby I fall in love with their labor and post-partum time as well as the baby, I love learning about all the ins and outs of child birth and count my 18 (19 and 6 days to be exact) of pregnancy to be the most fascinating in my life personally.

Any advice? If you have had or are planning on having, or know, like or are a doula?

-Gwen

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Hebrews 4:13

All my bags are packed; I’m ready to go, I’m standing here outside your door, I hate to wake you up to say goodbye…

My family and I have just moved to New Jersey. I have always heard rumor that this was a garbage state but from my window all I see are hills and sky , it truly is a garden state.

We are living here for only a short while; we usually live 20 minutes from Chicago. My husband has taken on an internship here for 3 months until we have a clearer idea of where we might be going as far as a job in concerned. Calvin (My Husband) just graduated from Seminary and is now waiting to take a 2-3 day oral exam in Indiana (our home state) at the end of June to complete his work. Once this is finished he can put out his resume and finds a more permanent location for our family to live. I personally am in no rush, I am falling in love with the East Coast.

Calvin and I have moved 7 times in 3 years and I am ready to put my roots in somewhere for a while. It has been a fun ride but it is getting harder with two daughters to move.

The Moves.

When we were married in June of 2005, we moved into a tiny upstairs duplex that we called "the love nest" do to it being 24 stairs high and very small. The spring of 2006 we Moved to NJ for our first internship and fell in love with the church family out here, 3 months later we moved back to the nest and 3 months after that we moved to a 3 bedroom home better suited for a family (i was 6 months pregnant) that following summer we moved to MI for a second internship, (found out we were pregnant again) and again 3 months later moved back to our house and now 9 months later we have packed our bags, watched Calvin get his diploma (Popped out another little daughter) and drove to New Jersey for yet another Move. Quite a lot for 3 years eh? If we have learned anything it is to "Bloom where planted" This final move coming up however is a bit more permanent... we just has no idea when and where and if it will occur.

So I guess what I am saying is that I am setting up a blog. I hope to get advice on children, moving, etc. and to have something in the midst of this chaos to “pen” my thoughts. I tend to take on new projects when stressed to put my mind else where. I am starting a recipe book, have cut out all red meat and am trying to be a 99% vegetarian, I also have started waking up at the butt crack of dawn (5 AM) to start running... le'sigh Please Lord show us where we belong in a clear way soon!
-Gwen

The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121:7-8

Introduction.

Hello Hello
A little about myself...
*ahem
I AM MOST LIKELY TO: Bring you back a present. Have everyone back to my place. Exceed my baggage allowance.to make a gourmet meal out of what is in your kitchen. Sit in the back seat on the bus. Go three days without sleeping. Watch the White Sox 2005 world series on DVD. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Appreciate the absurdity of the situation. Be a bad influence on some, a good on others. Embrace my fellow man. Understand the concept of chaos. Suggest we all go for a drink. Be Pregnant, Feed the neighboring stray cat, Find some innuendo-amusing, Have or suggest a theme party. Know a fact about The Beatles. Remove my sunglasses seductively, and then put them back on. Go to see Bob Dylan live. Suggest a game of Strategy. Go bright red when embarrassed.

more to come,
Gwen

Verse of the day;
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.

1 John 1:5-6